It's the second time this week that I've gotten so upset I cried. I've just been so tired lately and what makes this so bad is the fact that I'm tired emotionally, not physically. It's one of the worst ways to hit me because whenever that happens, I just crack. Either that or I shut down. Worst is when I shut down and crack.
It's probably a build up of all the emotions I've gone through the past half year beginning with the loss of my grandmother. Happy as I am to believe that she is with the Lord, I can't say I fully accept why she was taken when she was; I have yet to pray about that.
I've felt I've had to be strong for my family over that, mainly because there is no one else to deal with the family's affairs. I've had to take comments about being seen as rather cold and insensitive over it but I accepted it anyway because I perform these tasks as a promise and I have yet to break a serious promise to anyone.
Add to this preparing for my wedding which, to me, should be as perfect as we can manage because it is the celebration of my union with the person I have chosen and accepted as my partner for life.
It's just been a crazy, crazy hectic half year and I'm there at the threshold between insane and more insane. There are things in my offline life that I am unprepared to share online save to say that I have had to accept negative comments about the choices I've made in life and my own inability to speak up instead of just curling up in a ball and crying.
As I write this I can't help playing and replaying in my head this song by Katy Perry. As with all the other nights that I'd felt broken and defeated, He has blessed me again with a reminder of His love. So I go to bed with this thought and prayer. There is much still to bear but it can be done.