Yet another reformat

I seem to do this often lately, as though I'm trying to work through some kind of past quarter life identity crisis. Which, I'll be honest, I feel like I have been going through since my first child was born.

While I haven't done that much work revising this entire blog yet, I am contemplating one final move and making that the final, solid identity for myself online. About time, right?

This past month has been quite the ride. Feels like it's been a year, to be honest. There was much that I had to review, re-assess, and just generally figure out not just about myself but the life I want to have, how we want our family to be...those kinds of things.

It wasn't an easy year, 2015. Yes, it came with a very welcome reason to celebrate but at the same time, it was a year filled with many upheavals in various aspects of life.

We continue. We move on. We learn. As I've been saying over and over, one day at a time. Here's hoping that my new online home will be the final one but if it's not, well, there's nothing wrong with learning more about myself as I get older, right?

Parenting Rewards

I told myself I would post regularly, at least twice a week, beginning 2016. Unfortunately, my body said, "It's time to take a break," and I have spent most of the first week of 2016 sick and poorly.

And that's actually what this one is about.

There have been so many days when I've felt I failed as a parent. My son doesn't behave as well as I would like him to, he yells, he hits, I've yelled and hit back (and then immediately regretted it but can't show my son lest it destroy any semblance of order that we have even further). We've shed tears apart, and together. I've felt the frustration of wanting to throw in the towel and scream about why I was even blessed with children when I can't handle them.

And then I got sick.

For two days, I could do nothing but lie around in bed. And for two days, my older son, the unruly, yelling, hitting little beast curled up beside me, hugging me and kissing me.

So in the silence, as he lay there with me, sleeping, I hugged him tight. And I cried a little. Because I didn't fail him after all. And that sometimes we have our down days, our dark days, and it happens. We will yell, scream...hopefully stop hitting sooner than later. But I haven't failed even if I feel like I did.

Reclaiming My Son

Wow is this about to get very personal.

In my part of the world, it's actually quite common to hire household help for whom we provide room and board in exchange for their services in cooking, cleaning, and general household maintenance. The labour isn't exactly cheap and it wasn't until just two years ago that the government saw fit to mandate proper laws on the matter. Plus, depending on their pay scale, it is our burden to bear if they fall ill and require extra medical attention and other such unexpected expenses.

Tradition

When I was a little girl, my mom decided to start a little Christmas tradition for me. Each Christmas, a new angel was hung up on the Christmas tree, a marker of how many Christmases I've seen in my lifetime.

When I had our eldest son, I decided to continue the tradition but I had no idea how. I wanted to do a play on his Chinese zodiac--the Dragon--but where in the world would I find dragon ornaments, let alone ones for Christmas?

By his third Christmas, I solved it. I'd been browsing various tutorials and tips on fun and educational activities to do with kids. Mostly for homeshooling moms but while I have no desire to homeschool my kids, I found great value in what these mothers shared. And there I found it: do-it-yourself white clay.

His blank, white clay ornaments have been waiting in a small box since last year. This year, I finally got around to painting them. I'm quite proud of my creations, to be honest, especially since it has been a very long time since I have done anything of this sort.

Kian is a little luckier than his big brother since I already figured out what to do for their ornaments by the time he was born. So here are the completed ornaments so far plus one work in progress. Kian, being born in the Year of the Sheep will have sheep-themed ornaments while Llew has his dragon-themed ornaments.

Since this is not my typical type of artwork, I give massive thanks to artists from DeviantArt for ideas on what to do for the ornaments. I'm still in the process of properly tracing the artist for each of these pieces. I kind of feel like those old time art students who would make multiple copies of their master's work in the attempt to learn their techniques.



From left to right:

This ram is based on the myth of the sheep with the golden-fleece. We thought it would be an appropriate introduction for Kian's first Christmas ornament.

Llew's first ornament is my take on the Apocalypse Dragon from the iOS game, Dragonvale. When Llew was born in 2012, talk of the coming apocalypse was all the rage and we thought it would make a great insider joke to include this dragon in his line up of dragon ornaments.

The second dragon is Toothless from "How to Train Your Dragon". He isn't so addicted to it yet but he enjoys the movie well enough.

Last is an artist's rendition of the literary version of Falkor from "The Neverending Story". Contrary to the movie version that looked more like a dog, Falkor is supposed to look somewhat like an Asian dragon with a long, snake-like body and an equally almost serpentine head. I have to put on the final washes and varnish before I can consider this one completed.

For the white clay, I can't remember anymore where I got the recipe from but here it is below. I'll edit when I find the source. ^_^

1 c baking soda
1/2 c corn starch
3/4 c warm water

Mix the dry ingredients together and stir in the water. Mix over medium heat until it starts to bubble and come away from the pan. When it has started to dry and resemble soft play dough, take it off the heat and let it cool. Knead to soften and make more pliable. Store in an air tight container.

It's supposed to be safe to bake but I just let my work air dry on a baking sheet.

Just to end my own story of Christmas tradition, I decided to hang up my last angel the year of Llew's first Christmas. And next I need to talk to my husband about something we can put up as our own marker for how many Christmases we've spent as husband and wife. ^_~

Being Mama

MOMMY MONDAY

Last week, I failed my kids in the most horrible way possible.

It was one of those bold yet bad moves, really. My older son was sitting by himself in the back row of our car and I was in the middle row with our younger son. At night. That time when at least one of them (read: the younger one) should be sleeping.

You can already see where this is going. I didn't. This story has the benefit of hindsight.

The Internet connection failed us. YouTube (see the next mistake right there?) wouldn't load properly. I was nursing our younger son. The older one started screaming for me to fix the iPad. I asked him calmly to wait. At first. Then he started screaming louder and louder until he began to cry.

I kept asking him to wait. I had hoped to put the younger one to sleep so I could give him my full attention.

See that right there? It was one mistake after another. Again, hindsight.

He began crying for Mama. I asked him to wait just a little longer but my patience was wearing thin because the child in my arms still hadn't fallen asleep. I began to tell him off for screaming. In my dangerously calm tone--the one he knew means trouble.

Finally I was able to put the younger one down. (Allow me to diverge from the conversation a moment to yes, confirm that the child was out of his seat. In fact, neither child was strapped in at this point. If our laws were more stringent about this they and I probably would have been better trained with the whole car seat matter. But that is for another time.) I turn and fix the YouTube connection, finally.

But he kept crying. And forcing coughs to get more attention. But mostly crying. For me to hold him. He'd gotten upset and he needed me to hold him.

And I told him to wait. Again. Over and over. Wait, wait, wait.

Toddlers aren't good at that, usually, especially not mine. Not this little boy who would freak out if his toy train derails or falls apart when his bike gets stuck on something. (We are working on this.)

So yes, he fell apart. And when he did, his younger brother did, too. Oh how they cried, screamed, and wailed for most of the ride home! It was excruciating and broke my heart. The older one begging me to put down the younger one so he could cuddle with me for comfort. The younger one wailing because he couldn't fall asleep in his car seat and needed me to hold and nurse him to sleep.

Surely the Lord must have been with me at that moment, holding me together that I would not fall apart along with my two sons. Surely he must have been there when I remembered: I am your mother. I can do this. I can keep you both calm and comforted.

So I did. I hugged both of them tightly and whispered, "Shhh...Mama's here...shhh..."

Over and over and over.

"Shhh...shhh..."

And just like that, the struggling, the tears, the screams...they died down. Both boys closed their eyes and leaned against me. Calmed and comforted.

"Shhh...shhh..."

I failed them in the most horrible way. I forgot my power as a mother. I forgot that if I panicked with them, they will be lost.

I keep feeling guilt over that and thinking I traumatised them for life. But both boys, they continue to cling to me, letting me know that even when I am at my weakest, they love me and find strength in me.

Mother, Mommy, Mama.

This is to remind myself that I am theirs and I will always have the power to soothe my sons. I just have to remember and believe.

December Daily Photo

Late post but I guess it's better than not managing to fulfill this particular goal I set.

I asked to get a new camera early this year because I wanted to re-train my photography skills. I've gotten rusty, I admit, and my eye isn't as sharp or quick as it used to be. So I have set out to take daily photos again.

For this challenge, I'll be editing them into squares, Instagram style. There will be no filters, just editing for size. I'm doing it this way mostly to get some kind of uniformity to the format. At some point I'll be able to figure out how to properly do it. For now, this is how it will be.

These are the photos for December 1 and December 2. Tomorrow, the regular daily (hopefully) posting of the photos I've taken will begin. ^_^

The story behind both photos:

We began putting up the Christmas decorations late November but with a toddler, an infant, and life in general going on, it's taking a bit of time to put things together.

My son decided things weren't being put up fast enough so he decided to help. And we all know what that is like, right? ^_~

I only just realised that my hand shook when I took this photo. I'll get there eventually, balancing quick focusing with speed in capturing the moment.

This could be my favourite shot among all the ones I took today mainly because I can see how well he was trying to focus on getting the ornament to hang properly on the branch.

Little Victories

Yes, we celebrate those. The little things that we do or that happen that just happens to turn things around when everything has gone pear-shaped.

Last week Thursday (yes, I meant to post about this last week but...kids) we went grocery shopping with our two kids. By "we" I mean myself and my husband, plus the two kids. It was our mid-month run* and with my mom making her own rounds elsewhere and in need of assistance, our kids' nanny was off with her.

The little victory? We survived it. Yes, I missed a few items but those weren't on my list that day so I'll let myself off for that one. But everything on the list, except for out of stock items, were

Almost there

Let me get this off my chest: yes, I started singing the Disney song immediately after I typed that.

Locally we've now got an allotted 100 days paid maternity leave but I voluntarily gave myself eight weeks off before setting myself up to work again just so I don't go crazy here at home. In a funny way it still works out as 100 days of maternity leave for me since my leave started in October (I was active with our business work until the final week prior to giving birth), ends at the end of November, but then December = Christmas stuff so I'll actually be working officially by January.

It works out well, hahaha!

Girl Crushes

I realised just now that some of my girl crushes are moms. Maybe as a high school student, I was right about what I said to one of my friends: that we get girl crushes on women we aspire to be like. The term itself is rather funny especially at this point where there are all sorts of gender preference variations. Believe me when I say I don't mean to be insulting/demeaning/whatever you wish to say about it, but by this point, it all confuses me so since it's not the central for this post, I shall stick to what I already have down and leave the gender discussions off for another time.

Girl crushes. I suppose this can be taken to mean a heterosexual girl's way of expressing a certain level of admiration for another female but in a completely non-sexual way. At least, that's what I've always seen it used as and that's how I'm using it now.

Human Again

Please tell me I'm not the only mother who's felt this way!

WARNING: Early cut because what follows could be considered too much information (TMI) for some readers. I'm giving you this chance to leave this entry now.

Day by Day

This has been my favourite thing to say lately. "We take it day by day."

There is no way to fairly compare our experience as first time parents with our experience now. If anything, the exhaustion is probably double that of our experience the first time around since we need to balance our time and attention between two children. To be honest, my recovery feels so much longer this time around since I've had very little time to relax and just rest. Oh, and have I mentioned that we do have a third baby of sorts, being still in the first year of a fledgling business?

I've complained about running on empty with only prayer to back me up. I've mentioned last time that a single week has seen me go through highs and lows faster than I've gone through in previous years.

Restless

Almost a month since I gave birth. I told myself that I would take two months off for my "maternity leave" but I'm not sure I can handle it. The good news for me is that my newborn's temperament seems to take well to me working while he naps in the stroller. Kind of makes me wish we had a crib, actually, so he can rest on a cooler surface. I suppose I can put him beside me in the co-sleeper though. There's a thought.

That said, I do admit I've been slowly preparing myself to start working again. I've gotten myself back on LinkedIn and I already submitted an initial feature piece to a magazine I aim to regularly freelance for--freelance because I'm not sure I can fully commit to a 9 to 5 since I do still have other involvements and businesses I need to deal with but we shall see how it goes.

Taking time to breathe

Time has been quite paradoxical these past weeks. I can't believe that my newborn will be a month old in just one more week, and yet it feels like it has been an entire lifetime since I was wheeled into the delivery room.

The difference between the brothers is remarkable.

At this same age, we could barely leave Llew down in the stroller but here I am now, blogging, while Kian sleeps soundly in the stroller. Our feeding schedule is the farthest thing from clockwork precision: thankfully I am all for feeding on demand so it doesn't bother me so much. Of course, it's another matter entirely when my body demands that the baby remove some of the milk that has

Child-rearing Round Two

There are, apparently, many things about newborns that I'd forgotten about.

Like how often they spit up, and that if you have a little boy, you need to be prepared for mid-diaper change "showers".

It's been a week and a half since we finally held our newborn in our eager arms. It was as magical as the first time but more relaxed in a way. We had fewer photos in our hospital room but I've no regrets with that: because of the rooming in policy hospitals now adhere to, my son and I were reunited within hours after delivery (I had to work off the effects of the epidural first and eat my first meal in more than twelve hours) and we were too busy getting to know each other and more importantly, learning to latch again.

D-I-Y: Cornstarch Paint

Credit to Trish Kuffner for this lovely Cornstarch Paint that I made two weeks ago! The link to this particular recipe (and five other paints to try with your kiddo) is here.

I've made cornstarch paint before in the form of, well, basically coloured oobleck a.k.a. liquid sidewalk chalk. My problem with it is that it separates when left overnight and is a little difficult to shake and mix the following day because of the settling.

The Postpartum Recovery List

Well, we're almost there.

I swore to myself that I would be a more fabulous mom this time around. My first task was actually to choose pretty clothes to wear for the duration of my hospital stay. I hadn't known before that I could actually already change out of my hospital gown as soon as I'd returned to my room after giving birth. I'm prepared this time.

I must say Victoria's Secret is officially my new favourite place to shop for pretty sleepwear. I picked out slips that are actually on the bigger side just to be sure that they'll fit but I know my proper size now and I fully intend to get my hands on more of their slips after I've given birth.

This is it!

I had my check up last Tuesday and apparently we are almost there!

It's something of a double-edged sword, to be honest. It's exciting and frightening at the same time, not knowing what adjustments we will be making and how.

So if there's an extended silence, we all know why. Let's hope it's only silence this time and not dropping off the face of the blogosphere like I'd done before.

In the matter of discipline

So far, I believe it's working, this attempt of mine to try and spread out my writing, whether for blog purposes, work, or fun, throughout eight hours in a week. It doesn't feel like it's something I need to do; spreading it out and being flexible with how long I do it keeps it fun. And I'm one of those people who needs to keep seeing work as something fun.

I first got the idea of writing a little something every day from a college professor. It's not an exercise for everyone but if it works, then by all means, right? And it works well for me.

Aside from writing though, I've also been organising and editing some old pieces. I shan't be reproducing them here. They're frankly too much of an embarrassment although I know that once upon a time, I thought they were great. (That was just a little over ten years ago.)

My co-writers and I have had our laughs and moved on. ^_~

D-I-Y: Adventures in Play Dough

I'm a typically crafty person. I love poking around the house doing little crafty projects for various purposes (storage, home spa, art), the most recent one being to make non-toxic, occasionally edible, play materials for my kid.

I don't have the photos of the original set of playdough I made for him on me--I may have them locked up in my old hard drive which I still need to unlock somehow--but this one for Homemade Rubbery Goop, which I got off Learning4Kids is, so far, my favourite out of three different versions I've tried.

The link I shared shows the whole step by step process but behind the cut are my own pictures plus a few comments from when I made it a few days ago. I still need to make more--I only have two colours so far but I realised I need more containers to store them in before I present them to my little one!

Product Review: Olay Deep Moisture Body Wash with Honey

Last week I received this lovely little surprise care package from Belle de Jour and Olay Philippines. I said I would begin using it over the weekend which, truth be told, the use for which began Sunday night. I've been a late afternoon to evening bather lately so commentaries and observations will stretch from the afternoon or evening of the previous day to the morning of the next. Mornings I tend to just do a quick shower to wash my hair so effects of products I use the night before tend to linger.

Here we go.