Thursdays, I said, are about journeys and I am three weeks into my journey towards motherhood.
I say "towards" because although I am already a mother by virtue of having given birth to offspring, I have much to learn still about being a parent. I've presented my ideals and ideas how I do and don't want to go about things. Nothing is fixed though and theory shan't always be effective in practice. I'm prepared to accept that too.
So far I've been blessed to be able to fulfill several ideals. I took the drugs only when I felt I really couldn't stand it anymore, delivered normally, roomed-in with my baby at the hospital, I breastfeed, and I am his primary caregiver alongside my husband. We use cloth diapers for the most part, allow only natural ingredients to touch Llew's skin, and we have started babywearing.
I am bracing myself for the challenges to come: bottles, solids, and teething. Only God knows what else will come aside from these certainties.
I know I will tell my son someday that if he chooses the path of marriage, I want him to marry his best friend and that soulmates are not a myth but they can be many and won't always be the right person in the long run.
Today I will hold him to my chest and let him listen to my heartbeat. In the silence he will know it's my way of letting him know he is dearly loved. I will stroke his head and kiss him. I will soothe his tears as best as I can and if I can't, I will hug him and let him cry, knowing we all need that sometimes. And I will enjoy our time together because this will all pass quickly; when the time comes, I will need to let him find his own way.
When, through all this, do I become a full-fledged mother? I have no idea. But I'm sure my son...my kids...will let me know how I did.