Regaining Balance

Today we are back to the set up I originally envisioned for myself: one household helper and I splitting the majority of the chores with the rest of the family pitching in.

Except right now, this isn't quite the most ideal set up.

I do wonder sometimes if, perhaps, we are expecting too much of these new ones. But then they come to us knowing what we require help with and that we do have a set way of dealing with things. They are never recommended by strangers; they are recommended by our closest family or friends so these are people who can give them accurate information about us and our habits. They generally come prepared.

I'm trying to get things back into gear the best I can. I can't say the attempt is completely effective as this isn't purely my household but a household full to the brim with three very strong-willed women. It's a constant struggle considering the reins aren't in my hands alone but I am expected to manage things as though they were. It's the same frustration that my grandmother had when she was living with us, the difference being she'd already had the chance to take full control of her own household. I haven't yet and I don't like making decisions when I am not fully responsible for the results.

It's not the easiest or best position to be in. In fact, I do greatly envy friends who live by themselves, not only for the fact that they control their time coming and going, but they are responsible for everything in their households. I truly feel it's a much easier position to be in compared to the position I am in.

It's in this moment of self-pity that I am at right now. The sense that the past decade during which I should have been able to flourish by myself and grow up and learn to manage my life was very nearly wasted. "Very nearly" because I do know that I have learned some things at least, despite the highly curtailed freedom compared to that which my peers had.

Perhaps it comes with the changes happening in my life now that I have suddenly found myself in the throes of contemplating what I have done with my life and myself that's worth any kind of mention.

The bout of dissatisfaction is disturbing and this lack of control over things that I feel I ought to be solely managing (at least as far as the temporal matters are concerned) is frustrating to say the least. It does make me wonder why I even bother trying to manage a household that is not solely mine.

That said, I suppose I'll take this as practice, to make the best of the circumstances.